How to play ping pong with a narcissist

I decided to write this article after I realised one of the people I had been dealing with was a narcissist. Sometimes it takes a bit of time before the narcissist reveals themselves especially if you don't know them personally. If you live with one and have managed to educate yourself about them they are pretty easy to spot but the following article applies to those that you live with and those you might not be so sure about.

Often narcissists will do things that are selfish mean and considered inappropriate or about getting their own needs met . When you make them accountable for their actions they are not going to be happy. Unlike neurotics who beat themselves up for days when someone tells them they have done something wrong the narcissist has no such guilt. I was reminded that these types do not have the ability to self reflect when it comes to doing something that others might be considered wrong, inappropriate selfish, Fill in the gaps......

Every time another narcissist comes into my life or exposes themselves I have to remind myself of the skills I learn when writing Dark Souls. Instead of feeling like a victim and saying to myself “why do I keep on attracting these types”, I remind myself they are there to make sure I am still on the ball and able to follow simple rules and can spot them easily. Its a bit like being an alcoholic when you stop drinking you will always be offered another drink but the trick is in being about to know which drinks are alcohol free and which ones are spiked and not feel obliged to have one.

One thing I have noticed along with the narcissists unique inability to self reflect is their unique need to punish people when you call them up on bad behaviour.

Let me give you an example. Person one, lets call them the neurotic or “normal” person calls the narcissist up on their bad behaviour. First the narcissist denies it and starts to make excuses for their behaviour saying “there is nothing wrong”, or they haven't done what the other person is accusing them of. They may used denial or ignoring tactics or start using blame or projection.

Lets call person one a person who is now newly educated about the narcissistic personality and then decides to finally call them up on their behaviour. Pointing out that they the victim are not prepared to collude in their lies and not prepared to accept blame. They may point out exactly what the other person has done wrong. Fill in the blanks...........

Any normal person might feel shame and guilt for doing something wrong, however small the incident is, and then modify their behaviour accordingly. They will usually self reflect and then go away and think about what they have done. They might come back and say sorry for what they have done and then make appropriate steps to either make amends to not do it again. Not the narcissist . They rarely say sorry or when and if they do ever say sorry they will do it but only because they are concerned they may lost narcissistic supply. They will rarely if ever change their behaviour after.

When it comes to self reflection the narcissist has no ability to self reflect. In their mind there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. Narcissists are unable to think about themselves or to self reflect beyond getting their own needs met. The capacity for self-reflective awareness is completely non existent.

Unable to take the perspective of another person the moment you make them accountable for their actions the narcissist sees you as confrontational and a risk to their mask or false identity they have been putting up to hide others from their core personality. They see your actions as a direct threat and narcissistic injury for which you the “normal” neurotic person needs to be punished for.

As a result their behaviour results in them doing something totally random to punish you. The neurotic person is then left feeling confused and baffled as to the why the narcissist did this. If you are not careful you the victim will go into blame of themselves and start thinking “what did I do wrong” “Perhaps I said something to offend them” “Perhaps I should have done this” Fill in the gaps......

The thing is that narcissists will always throw it back to the other person. They do this in the hope that the other person will do all of the above and they wont have to take responsibility for their own behaviour. This is the narcissists secret weaponand they hope that by not taking responsibility for their own actions by using any of the above tactics, blaming, shaming, projection, denail and so on the “good neurotic” will do what they always do, forgive the narcissist, make excuses for their behaviour, say the narcissist couldn't help themselves because they were having a bad day. The list is endless.

Once the neurotic stops playing their games and understands exactly how the narcissist works and realises that its a bit like playing ping pong where the moment the narcissist has to self reflect in anything they will immediately throw the ball back at what they consider their opponent. The narcissist is a moving target you are always in the firing line. To get away from them or expose them you have to have one eye on the ball i.e. their actions and motives for playing games with you. You have to stop wanting to play.

The moment you the victim doesn't catch the ball any more and droops it politely back in the narcissists court by setting boundaries and making them aware of their actions a miracle happens. They realise they have no one to play games with anymore. Suddenly they have to expose themselves. They will either drop you like a hot coal, try to punish you or run away.

My advice to anyone who doesn't like playing games is to learn as much about these people as possible and then move as swiftly away from them as quickly as you can and have no contact. 

Once you refuse to play ball that way you wont have to play ping pong with them anymore. Using these new rules of engagement as much as narcissists like to play games the moment do this they usually chuck their bat down in a big strop like a naughty child and run away which is great news for the opponent who has encountered them.