A victim of a narcissist speaks out

Taken and edited from a one of the many emails I receive from readers of Dark Souls which highlights how slick and manipulative these Dark Soul personalities are. Not to mention how shocked their victims are when they find out that they have been leading a double life.

I wanted to say thank you for bringing the issue of narcissistic personalities and more importantly how and why we get involved with them to public attention.
 
Perhaps because the book is personal I feel I want to tell you why it has helped me and what I have been through with a Dark Soul. In June (2010) I ended up on sleeping tablets, anti depressants and completely feeling close to the edge. I was in what felt like an abusive relationship where I didn't know what to believe anymore, and felt like someone was twisting everything inside my head in the most evil and manipulative manner. It was only when the therapist I began seeing through my employers the counselling service suggested I may be involved with a narcissistic personality did things start to fall into place and I started climbing back up.
 
To put this all into contact, I am 27, have an undergraduate degree and masters degree, I am a qualified social worker and have never struggled to find men that find me attractive. Yet I ended up a constantly crying, acutely anxious wreck who could not sleep or eat and felt tormented by obsessive thoughts. The man I was involved with is a qualified Doctor who went to Public school and is a Trainee Psychiatrist. In short, I thought I had put a difficult past behind me and was involved with a professional man. I had been involved with two violent and controlling men when I was younger but the expertise this man had in making me feel I was losing my mind, was slicker and more evil than any past boyfriend.
 
It was the start of 2010 that I met X, who is a Doctor and a trainee Psychiatrist. From the time I met X there was a instant attraction, we talked for hours, he understood my work, my interests. Wow, a man with real ambition and a real connection I thought. On the first date he pushed for sex though and gut instinct said RUN whilst a stupid part of me tried to tell myself I had met a great guy and to over look that as a minor error on his part.
 
But gradually, how manipulative he was began to seep through. In the early days he actually started a fight suggesting that I was 'self absorbed and nasty' because other women and friends of his evidently recognise that he is 'such a good person' and I was so self absorbed and 'damaged' that I did not know how to express that to him. On one occasion, I was told that unless I write on his facebook wall what an amazing man and boyfriend he is then the relationship would be over - and I would only have myself to blame, for being a damaged little girl who cannot express herself in a proper relationship!! Like how you described Oliver - what ever I did was never enough for him.
 
Like yourself I was shocked to find X lived a total double life lie. Was also brought up a strict Muslim, who to this day tells his parents he follows his faith and never has relations with women. However I soon learnt that prior to me, he had been with countless women of almost all nationalities, slept with prostitutes in Brazil, attended 'high class' sex parties and registered on sex websites. Yet he would constantly interrogate me about how many men I had been with and frequently stated that he was disgusted that I had been with 'more men' (trust me I have not been with many) than any woman he had ever met and similar statements.

All he ever seemed to really want out of the relationship was non stop sex and even tried to get this on the first date. Then the attacks, we were also close during the relationship and he even once admitted me that he invented a technique he calls the 'Four C's' - How to get women. This involves 'cussing', 'comedy' 'compliments' and another component I cannot remember- but basically manipulation with using a combination of insults-cussing and compliments to make women feel off kilter- I now recognise this to be similiar to NLP!!!!
 
Towards the end of the relationship, I'm sure X felt very cocky and smug that he had me where he wanted me as I would always come running despite the upset and way he used me. He set a pattern of seeing me for non stop sex (under the guise of a 'relationship') and then going to parties/holidays/all night events that I was never, ever invited to. I could not also go out- I would be interrogated and labelled a slut if I did. Telephone conversations would be interrogating rants that would go on for hours. One boiling hot day I snapped and told him everything I thought of him. He then the next day played the nice, 'I know better psychiatrist' suggested we end things nicely whilst “I” sort myself out. One week later I got a message from him stating he was off on a stag holiday but we should resume our relationship (only AFTER the stag holiday) as I would have had "time to think, sort myself out and see the GP about my insecure attachment issues"
 
Needless to say I ended it for good with the help of the therapist I was seeing. I see on his face book now that he has been with 3 other interchangeable blondes who look like carbon copies of me since. Part of me felt like I was disposable cheap goods to him, but then I think about what they too will be put through and the fact that he is a deluded Peter Pan living out his life on borrowed time.
 
The best thing about your book is the fact that it has helped me to reflect on my negative beliefs about myself-given to me largely by a highly critical mother. Its not enough to just know that there are manipulative Narcissists out there- but why did I CHOOSE to let him into my life to such an extent and not some of the other nicer men I had the opportunity to date.
 
I've now made sure that I have stayed single to think, reflect and rebuild myself. There is one guy I know who is sweet, I've always had good gut instinct about and is not about 'image' in anyway. Maybe some time in the future we will see what happens.
 
A big thank you for the help that you have brought to women like me in making this an issue that is in the public domain.

In Dark Souls I used the words Narcissist and Psychopath/Sociopath interchangeable. Many Darks Souls like Mr X above with have multiple partners on the go at any one time but it not until much later that the victim usually finds out. However the following article explains how the victim will never be quite off the radar for very long when it comes being in relationship with a Dark Soul. The Psychopathic Relationship Circle.

Its also worth noting that not all manipulation techniques are always that obvious and loaded with insults such as the this womans experience with Mr X above and that sometimes they may be alot more subtle.  If you want to see how they manipulate you the most subtle of ways until eventually your head starts to feel likes its been in a washing machine please take a look at the following video.